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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.